Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

Florida man

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Bringing home a sharpie

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

I love it

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

January is the Mondayest month of the year

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

had to make it

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that