Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Message from the dog groomers

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.