Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together