My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Remember folks 😂
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
