Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!