Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?