My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Good morning
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…