@ThisOneSayz
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
@WheelTod
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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@ThisOneSayz
@web_supergirl
Why stop with two L’s Lloyd? why?
@not_thenanny
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
@floor_killer
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
@rachelaxler
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
@mydmac
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
@9to5Life
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
@gigglegirlnoel
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
@BuckyIsotope
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
@Stap_Jr
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.