@SortaBad *Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
@WheelTod My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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@SortaBad 
@dxblarssonENG Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
@mommajessiec Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
@BoomBoomBetty Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
@ThugRaccoons Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
@HandfulOfLewds You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@AmericanGent69 Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
@LostFelicia My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
@mikhailsen1 If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.
@thatdutchperson Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.