My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.