My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*


Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.


Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.


Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.


Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.


Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*


My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.


If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.