@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

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@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

@dxblarssonENG

Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.

@mommajessiec

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

@BoomBoomBetty

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

@LostFelicia

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.