@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

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@ThisOneSayz

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

@not_thenanny

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

@floor_killer

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@mydmac

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

@BuckyIsotope

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.