Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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Why stop with two L’s Lloyd? why?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.