my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark