my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
How is it still this week?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it