my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
That de-escalated quickly
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Passwords are more important than ever.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.