My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.