My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me