Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.