My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”