My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Cucumbers Anonymous
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: