My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
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I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
