My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?