Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

not to brag, but mine was free

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*