Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.