Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.