Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

you’re not fooling anyone

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?