My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
This is painfully accurate 😅
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.