Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet