Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

🗽

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.