My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.
Related fact: marijuana warps time perception
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.