My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle