Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[creation of clams]
God: this snail is grounded
Important notice I stuck on a bench in the park today.
I’m 53 but my back turned 105 yesterday
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance