@raeraefairydust

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

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@BoomBoomBetty

I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception

@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

@_xLNc

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

@LizHackett

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.