my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by