My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.