My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
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Each day I wake up at 6am and
– Send every man in my phone a text that says “what’s up dog — we good?”
– Send every woman in my phone a text that says “So apparently you think I’m an idiot…”
Then I go to the gym for twelve hours
A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…
…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.