@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

You Might Also Like

@eedrk

Each day I wake up at 6am and

– Send every man in my phone a text that says “what’s up dog — we good?”
– Send every woman in my phone a text that says “So apparently you think I’m an idiot…”

Then I go to the gym for twelve hours

@better_off_dad

A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.

@OrdinaryAlso

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@mc_funbags

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.