My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Never be a pizza!
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.