My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.