My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room