My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
