My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.