My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
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My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
everyone has that one prude friend
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Yup….perfect score!
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no