My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
when nothing goes right… go left
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*