Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

I saw nothing

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

#StillHurts

Managing expectations

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys