My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.