Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.