My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!