My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
You Might Also Like
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now