My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first