My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Oh hi lol
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
