My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
