My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
FRED: right
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
