My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
