My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You Might Also Like
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”