Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.