My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story