Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.