Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Creepy-crawlies

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

This is sending me to another galaxy

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.