Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck