Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Who does Amazon think I am?

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong