Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅