My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
They’re not wrong
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Great game to play with friends
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My plans: 2020:
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Snack for election night!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.