My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You Might Also Like
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
become ungovernable
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
put ‘er there pardner!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.