My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
#inspiration #foodforthought
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale