Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

is this a warning or an offer?

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.