My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?