My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
😏😏😏
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.