Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”