My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science