Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.