Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.