Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Me sliding into hell like

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.