Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

Something Saturday.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two