Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.