My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?