My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Okay, I’m still confused…
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
motivation
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of