@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

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@illiter8too

Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

@_shellzbellzzz_

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

@squirrel74wkgn

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

@dykezuIa

me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…

@notacroc

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster