Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?
*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
If I ever have a baby, I hope it’s a puppy.
I corrected the names of all my friends in my Contacts.