My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?