Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”