My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Its true…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..