My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
This checks out
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.