Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

this got me crying😭😭

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….