My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
