My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
some cats are just doing for fun!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.